Chapter 9: The Story Unfolds

“Yahweh, you examine me and know me…” – Psalm 139:1

Over the past few weeks, I’ve started a new practice at the end of each day called “The Prayer of Examen.” Never heard of it? Here’s how Richard Foster describes this ritual:

“So what is the prayer of Examin? It has two basic aspects, like the two sides of a door. The first is an examen of consciousness through which we discover how God has been present to us throughout the day and how we have responded to his loving presence. The second aspect is an examen of conscience in which we uncover those areas that need cleansing, purifying and healing.”

As much as I would love to share with you every detail of this journey, that’s not realistically possible. So, to give you a glimpse into each day, I’ll share with you my Prayers of Examen for each day of the trip. At the end of each day, I’ll respond to two different questions (one for consciousness and one for conscience) based on what happened that day and how God has been moving in my heart. I hope this gives you a deeper insight into what this incredible journey has been like for me…

Day 1 (8/5/11)

For what moment today am I most grateful?

When I think of how I felt today, the phrase “cared for” kept coming into my mind over and over again. My wonderful mom helped drive my team to the airport and we had so many people there to send us off. A 15-hour flight was actually enjoyable because of three amazing meals, constant refills of tea and cookies and an endless list of movies to watch on my personal TV screen. As superficial as this might sound, I felt able to rest and transition from my regular schedule of life into a whole new experience. It also gave me a new level of gratitude and appreciation for all of those who supported me and made this trip possible.

For what moment today am I least grateful?

As soon as I boarded the flight, I could feel my body release all of the tension, adrenaline and stress I had been holding for the last few weeks…and I got sick. Nothing major- just an annoying sore throat and cold. It was definitely a reminder of how hard I had been working over the past few weeks to prepare for this trip and now my body was letting down. I felt frustrated and anxious that my sickness would take away from this whole experience, and I’m praying that God would show me how to recover from my sickness while at the same time remain present with others.

Day 2 (8/6/11)

When did I give and receive the most love today?

I gave and received the most love today when I was relaxing with my team in Dubai. We walked around an enormous mall (puts American shopping to shame, although there wasn’t an Anthropologie anywhere) and watched a great water show in front of the world’s largest building. I felt relaxed and rested, and enjoyed getting to know my team members better. Ramadan is happening while we are here in Dubai, which means that everyone fasts during the day and eats after dark. We couldn’t eat until after sunset, and it was so interesting to participate in a cultural and religious ceremony enforced by law.

When did I give and receive the least love today?

I was still feeling sick today and there were several times when I wasn’t present with my team because I was worried about my illness. I was mainly worried that I wouldn’t feel better by the time we get to Uganda and that I will miss out on a life-changing experience because I’m sick. There’s also a little shame in that I let myself get sick by not taking better care of myself. But, in the midst of this, there is an invitation from God to trust him with my health and that he will make this trip whatever he wants it to be…which is always what is best for me.

Day 3 (8/7/11)

When did I feel most alive today?

We arrived in Northern Uganda! We were picked up at the airport by Jimmy, an incredibly joyful, kind man who has a twinkle in his eye when he looks at you. He works for COTN (the organization partnering with us) and he took us to our hotel. While we waited for dinner, a few of us sat outside talking with Jimmy and listening to the heartache and suffering that Uganda has experienced the past few years. As I sat outside with a cool breeze, a warm cup of Africa tea and dear friends, I was overwhelmed with this thought: “God, you brought me back. I was so afraid I would never return, yet you are faithful.”

When did I most feel life draining out of me?

Since I don’t know the majority of my team that well, I can tell that some of my insecurities came up today. “Do they like me?” “Am I funny enough?” “Do they think I’m a good leader?” Again, when I have these worries and fears, I’m not fully present with them and I’m just living inside my head. When I’m not being fully authentic, that is when life drains out of me. But, we had an incredible team meeting after dinner and talked about this transition from travel to being in Uganda. We acknowledged anything we still needed to relinquish to God before moving on with our trip and spent time thanking God for all he has done so far. After this, my insecurities disappeared. Funny how that works.

Day 4 (8/8/11)

When today did I have the greatest sense of belonging to myself, others, God and the universe?

Today made my soul glad. I think the greatest sense of belonging I experienced today was our welcome at the COTN Children’s Village. There are close to 60 orphans who live at this lovely village, cared for by “aunties” and “uncles” who create new families for these little ones since they have lost their own parents. As we drove up to the village, I was humbled and excited all at the same time: children running up to our van yelling, jumping and waving palm fronds to greet us. They had prepared songs and dances for us, and as I sat outside under the African setting sun, I was struck by an incredible thought: This is what heaven looks like. My picture of heaven is a place of singing and dancing and rejoicing, after all the pain and suffering and hunger have gone forever. My co-leader Derek and I spoke briefly and thanked the children, and then we all had the chance to dance with them…something my heart longed for as soon as I stepped foot into the village. Today, my soul is glad.

When did I have the least sense of belonging?

When we first arrived at our guest home today, we had a similar greeting by the COTN staff that we will be working with for the next few weeks. Some members of my team had already met the staff from years past, so I felt somewhat out of place. It’s hard for me to be in places when others are so comfortable and I feel awkward. I keep reminding myself that I want to be present, regardless of whether I feel joyful, disoriented, excited or exhausted. That’s all part of the trip, and I wouldn’t want to disregard any of that.

Day 5 (8/9/11)

When was I happiest today?

There are moments in life that you try to freeze and take in all the detail you can, because you want to try and remember it forever. We went back to the Children’s Village today and handed out tennis balls for the children. These children have experienced so much grief, loss and trauma so we’re going to be doing various play therapy activities with them to help them work through their trauma and feel more empowered. Some of this involves learning basic motor skills, such as calling someone’s name and then tossing a tennis ball to him/her. We were working with one little, little girl named Patty and she had been struggling over the past few days to get the tennis-ball-name-game down. The sun was shining through the clouds as warm rain started to fall, children and chickens were running everywhere, and all of a sudden I heard Patty yell, “Alair!” and toss me the tennis ball. I froze the moment in my mind- a little bit of healing and joy from a bright yellow toy.

When was I saddest?

Our morning activity for today was a visit to the memorial site of Barlonyo. In February of 2004, rebel terrorists stormed into Barlonyo and brutally tortured and killed over 300 innocent men, women and children. The mass grave stands as a circular cement walkway over 200 feet wide, surrounded by dirt roads, thatched huts and hungry children. It was an incredibly sobering experience, knowing that we were standing in a place where so much horror and destruction had occurred less than ten years ago. I felt my heart sink within me as I spent time with adults and children who witnessed the massacre and escaped in the smoke when huts were set on fire. Uganda has a long history of war and heartache and suffering, and my hope is that God will use our team to help others experience healing and restoration.